June 19, 2023

Let’s start and end the conversation with a way to get help. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7. https://988lifeline.org/

Harry fell out of his bed one night at the beach. The fall left him with a reddish bump on his forehead. It was a great beach house, but there was no carpeting or rugs, so when Harry fell, there was no soft landing. Since he was in the first floor bedroom and the rest of us were on the second, that was the only time I heard him cry during the night on our vacation. He wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep, so his Momma and Daddy and Papa took him for a sunrise walk on the beach to start the day.

My family needed this beach trip. Emily attempted suicide on May 23, and was in the emergency department, then a medical room, and then the psych ward until May 31. We were all exhausted and raw and thankful and unsure of how to be whatever we were becoming. What were our roles now? How do we help Emily heal? How do we heal ourselves? How do we do family again? There was a lot of pressure for this vacay to go well. But there we were, all nine of us. Paul, me, Grace, Eli, Harry, Lauren, Gavin, Emily, and her best friend forever Victoria, who makes her laugh like no else can. A week of close quarters, under the microscope, with no school or jobs to distract us was a lot to ask. My family, all of us, had just been through hell. We were all traumatized. Would this beach trip be a crash and burn or a soft landing?

Grace and Harry had been the first ones to get to Emily after she took the pills. And they were at the hospital as often as they could be until Emily was in psych, where she couldn’t have visitors other than Paul and me. Harry had no idea what we were dealing with, but he tolerated the confines and boredom of the hospital pretty well for a ten month old. And Grace refused to leave to take Harry home. I used to wonder if Grace would ever understand what we went through years ago when she attempted suicide. I sure never wanted Grace to feel our hurt. She dealt with her own hurt back then. But I desperately wanted her to see that every bit of pain and worry and exhaustion her Dad, Lauren, Emily, and I felt back then was justified. Her attempt was worthy of our deepest concern and was enough to stop our world for a rest and reset. It seemed that Grace’s constant presence and incredible willingness to do whatever was needed for Emily was her act of penance for 2016.

And Eli. What a blessing to have his support. A year and a half ago when Emily ran away from home, Eli pulled up to the house to help us look for her. I walked down the driveway to meet him and collapsed into his arms, crying. He comforted this heartbroken Momma that day, and he did it again a few weeks ago. Eli has never acted like a newcomer to my family. He’s more than Grace’s fiancé and Harry’s dad. Eli is my son, and on the first or second day after Emily’s attempt, my sweet son called me out of the blue just to tell me that he loves me and that he will do anything he can to help.

Lauren has had a hard time with her relationship with Emily for lots of reasons. But recently they have both been actively working on moving closer to one another. I spent the two nights with Em in the medical room, and Lauren stayed as long as she could both nights. She was the last to leave, and I actually walked her to her car in the parking deck wearing my jammies the first night because she stayed so late. And the second night, Emily got mad at me because she was afraid of being transferred to the psych ward the next day, and she yelled at me and kicked me and Lauren and Gavin out of her room. I’ve always expected to be thrown out of a place at some point in my life. I didn’t expect to be kicked out of my daughter’s hospital room, but that night there was nobody better to be kicked out with than Lauren and Gavin.

Gavin. I tried to give him an out. It got weird and awkward and boring in Emily’s room, and he is still trying to figure out the Mauks, and we sure have given him a lot to process. That first night at the hospital , I texted him saying he could leave if he wanted to go home. “I understand Sandie but my bedtime isn’t till 9. So I am here to support the best I can till then❤️.” Gavin wouldn’t leave, and for that, I’m thankful for this second son of mine.

Paul was a relentless advocate for Emily’s care when decisions about her psychiatric treatment were being discussed. He fought for her care to be continued where it was started instead of moving her off-site, out of town, or out of state. While there can be times when a transfer is necessary, that wasn’t an option we were willing to settle for at this time with Emily, and Paul’s voice was definitely heard in that discussion.

Emily, the girl with a broken smile usually hidden by a left-over pandemic mask, prefers to be invisible. But on May 23 she had enough of not being seen, and decided she needed all eyes on her. Oh Emily! We see you now! And one day during her psych stay, some of her people rallied together on the top floor of the parking deck outside her psych room. They waved signs and yelled that they love Emily, and I was with her watching her smile and laugh and giggle, and she felt seen and loved.

What I didn’t realize until I started writing this was that we were never going to crash and burn. God was with us every step, through the long hallways, during the slow antidote drip, tangled up in the IV and EKG lines, during our shining moments and our tarnished failures, in the healing conversations and in the hurtful words. God made sure Aunt Bec answered Emily’s text in her cry for help. God snapped me into reality when Andrea ordered me to leave work when my brain wasn’t processing this nightmare. God has been in the phone calls and texts and cards and hugs and concern and meals and provisions. During this challenging time, my family witnessed God’s protection through the hearts and charity of people who have once again loved and supported us well. And we were cushioned by Grace’s humble but unnecessary quest for repentance, Harry’s giggles in a cramped hospital room, Eli’s random phone call, Lauren’s late night presence, Gavin’s refusal to tap out, Paul’s unwavering fight for Emily’s care, and Emily’s surprised smile against the window watching her fan club. I’m thankful to all of you and to my family for being the parachute that safely brought us down for a soft landing.

Exodus 17:12 When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up–one on one side, one on the other–so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

I’m very aware that not all calls for help end the way Emily’s has. That painful reality is unfair and devastating. My faith in God has not been shaken by loss in that way. I don’t understand why it ends so painfully sometimes, and I don’t have adequate answers to make it all better for anyone who has experienced that. If you have felt that kind of loss of a loved one, please know that the Mauks love you and we are sorry you’ve gone through that.

Please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline if you need help. https://988lifeline.org/