July 19, 2025

Come float in the lazy river with me…

The beach makes me sentimental, even more so than I already am. I think I just spend my life day to day with a lot of the same-olds, and I like it that way. Then the big things come up, like holidays and birthdays and our anniversary and the beach. Those events seem to be markers and placeholders that make me stop and reminisce about the last time those came up, or about all that has happened in between.

Emily’s friend Kenzie came with us again. She joined us four years ago, and we enjoyed having her again. This is Eli’s third trip, and Harry’s first year being able to really enjoy it, and maybe remember it. I love making memories year to year. Gavin has only been once before and even with his relative newness, he talks about our beach trip like it is his usual summer memory. More than once this trip I caught him saying something like “I always look forward to this,” as if this has always been what his summer is about. That’s what I want. I want the remembers. “Remember the year we stayed at that filthy dump hotel because that’s all we could barely afford,” and “remember the year the girls fought over who had the best goggles,” and “remember when Emily had four seizures at the beach,” and remember all the friends who have joined us on these trips?” I remember Grace as a singleton child riding the old carousel at Broadway, and now she and Eli have their own singleton. My knee-hugger Lauren learning to jump into the water by herself, and now she jumps feet first in everything she does. And Oh Emily being overwhelmed and excited her first time at the Sugar store. So. Much. Candy. But nowadays I’m looking for her excitement to come back. (I catch it when it does.)

This music doesn’t hurt the remembers. There are speakers all around the lazy river, and some of the spots are louder than others. The river wasn’t super crowded like most years, but it’s precious to float to the Ocean Lakes Hot Jam with so many old friends. David Lee reminded me that I might as well Jump! John Secada is here with the Temptations and Marvin Gaye. George wants me to wake him up before I go-go. I saw the Bangles pool-side walking like an Egyptian. Stevie floated with me a while. Good times.

My preferred spot is an inner tube in the lazy river. I love time floating alone with just my thoughts, my remembers. Harry walked along the river one day and we gave each other our symbol for “Lolli.” Some people think it’s the heart/love symbol, but some people are wrong. And Paul and I talk about everything when we float together. I floated with Gavin for awhile. We did some deep dives into hard topics . Talking with Gavin, he admitted he wasn’t perfect, and I agreed with him. It was refreshing to hear that kind of honesty. He’s knows I’m not perfect, and I know it too. I’ve got way too much proof in all my remembers try to pretend to be anything other than honest about that.

The Mauks are ok, but we’ve had a long season of broken that hasn’t been spoken of, and it won’t unless you already know. But we’ve needed healing. Different ones of us in different ways at different times have been out of fellowship. When my girls were younger, making them work out issues wasn’t as complicated. I remember duct taping their wrists together and making them solve their issue hopefully before they had to use the potty. Over the last several years, each girl has hurt or been hurt by the others. They are too old for duct tape now. Sigh… And it seems like this past year in particular has been a time of identifying broken fences, blaming fence breakers, talking about mending fences, yelling about all the loss from the broken fences, doing nothing about the fences, and slowly making efforts to upright the posts and realign the cross bars. Fences are meant to be reminders of where our safety is. But when fences break, aren’t we good at building boundaries and walls and barriers and fortresses to overcompensate for what used to just be a homely looking split-rail fence?

Learning and longing and loss. I can’t take these life lessons for you, give you what you yearn for, or replace what you’ve lost. When our lives are off target, sometimes we take an easy kill shot at the closest sitting duck. We’ve all been in the cross hairs, and we’ve all pulled the trigger. I was looking forward to the beach trip, but I was not expecting it to go very well. I just wasn’t. But Monday came, and the sand and the waves and the light from the porch and the words and genuine happiness and the moving on…

…and we are again and still dealing with some things we didn’t want to deal with, but we are here together in it.

Not sure how many more summers Paul will look me in the eyes while I’m sweaty and sun screeny with matted hair and tell me that I’m beautiful. But for now he’s telling me everyday. and I’ll remember for as long as I can.

Gavin said he and Eli will build me a lazy river. With my spilly hilly back yard and all those trees dropping leaves, they will have some geographical challenges. But until that glorious day when I can float through Pfafftown, I’ll remember this summer beach trip when jealousy and hurt caved and gave way to a lovely, gracious healing.